Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
