True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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