1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
