searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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