are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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