So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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