why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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