I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
