She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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