You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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