I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
