Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
