We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Rumble strips road head = magical
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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