She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
