Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
