if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
