i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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