I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
