Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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