I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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