after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You ruined the universe
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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