So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
