I think I won the penis lottery.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
