Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
