I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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