Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
