Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
