I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
