I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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