did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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