well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
