just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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