Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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