I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
