Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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