omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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