all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
