Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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