all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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