don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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