Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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