well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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