Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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