Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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