In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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