i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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