theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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