I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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