so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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