i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
