Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
