I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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