I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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