Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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