He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
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She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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