Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
