I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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