in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
