Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
