i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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