so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you